Still Here.

Its been nearly a year since my last post and a year since the previous one to that... Trend? Whooops. Adding Hardin #5 My Dear Emma Grace left me with little time to sit and reflect. To ponder and deliver my  well semi thought out messages to the masses. Caught up in my struggle to raise a child with a traumatic brain injury, caught up in anything and everything but my beloved blog. It has been a year of struggles.... So where to begin? How about the beginning of the end?

The Army is was security. Leaving seemed to be the biggest hit in our year of emotional blows to our family. It seemed as if God was testing us, our faithfulness in his plan and our willingness to let go. It wasn't easy. Stepping out in faith, seldom is. Yet, despite it all we took the plunge. Living each day, keeping life as "normal" despite the fact Ben was unemployed, no one was hiring and we were unsure of our future. It was in this 6 months of uncertainty that I saw something I had been missing... My Husband. Without the Army, without the stress I got a glimpse of the love of my life. He smiled more, was angry less. After two years of PTSD hell... THIS WAS A WELCOMED CHANGE!!! Life continued down its blind path and we held steadfast in the ride. With new beginnings on the horizon, it seemed everything was falling into place; almost all at once. We were thankful. New career, new path.... we were ready.

And then things changed.

Ben had started a new job, we had accepted a change of region in Washington. With open hearts we put our home on the market and set forth on a "new adventure" 12 weeks in, a pending closing date fast approaching and stress effecting every inch of our marriage... We got a phone call.  Ben was offered a position in my home town. It was a federal job, great pay. What to do? We had no home, we had to move in 2 weeks.... Stressful doesn't begin to describe the feelings that plagued us.

Then EVERYTHING changed.

So, left without many options we bought a 30ft travel trailer(Glamping on wheels tab coming..). I got to work making it like home... super cute/shabby/vintage home on wheels. We got to work packing and figuring out a plan. With the support of my parents we would be placing our 30ft travel trailer in their driveway, on their mini farm. No cell reception, miles from the store and room for the babies to run. It seemed we had a plan... And again, we stepped out in faith. Knowing life would work itself out, but uncertain how....The stress was constant. Change seemed never ending.


Stress and Change, change and Stress. the two live hand in hand. STRESS. Stress robs me of my husband, my children of a father, my husband from himself. The slightest amount makes my kind and loving husband snap into a mean, angry man. Things he used to laugh off, leave him fuming in anger. I stand steadfast... waiting, for something to give. Life, marriage, anything. When we found our rental, I had hoped a few weeks of transition we could find our "happy place" again. CHANGE. Change robs me of my daughter. Anything that changes suddenly to her, and she mentally and emotionally doesn't function. She screams, acts out and becomes this child that I can't reach on an emotional level. She stops sleeping, she stops listening. She stops being my Mackenzie. So As you can imagine, the last month was FULL of stress and change. So, as you can imagine... My life was hell. I see life slowly setting down. Enough so, I  can actually type these words to you. Working toward stability, for the sake of Mackenzie and the rest of kids. Praying that with less stress we will see OUR Ben come back to us. Hoping in the days, weeks and months to come,  we can find our way back to that family. Back to the Silliness and playfulness.

In what could have been our darkest hour, we have continued to shine. In what could have been a year to break us, we continue to pick ourselves up and with the grace of God... Continuing down this uncertain path, little broken, little bruised, little battered but we are still going. Honestly, there have been days dealing with Mackenzie I have wanted to give up. I have wanted to walk away from my Husband. But... here I stand. I'm weary. I'm emotional... But I'm here.

Here's to New Beginnings

"Life's about changing Nothing ever stays the same.... 

Come let me hold you and I will try, how can I help you to say goodbye" 

A chapter has closed. 
And as I form these words I try to let go of an identity that has filled my life for 5 years.  I try to look at the world ahead but I'm staring into the shadows, and I can't see anything.

Friends, our time in the Army has ended. The draw down has claimed another family, another soldier. As the time comes to an end, It's bittersweet. Ben searches for meaning... After dedicating himself to 7 years, 2 campaigns and 3 deployments, it's hard to see yourself as anything but a soldier.  As he hangs up his boots, and sets off into the civilian world, everything you've grown accustom too, is gone. Job searching and stress fills the space that the security of the Army once occupied.  Adding with it the dark and uncertain life of living with PTSD. 

It's hard not seeing yourself as an 'Army wife' it's a proud identity, in it special bonds of sisterhood are formed. Army life brought me my best friend and so many others...Now, I'm the outsider. I know the terminology, I know the pain of deployment but I am no longer an Army wife. I'm just someone who used to know what it was like. Now, I set off to form an identity of my own... Seperate from that of Wife and Mother. 

We are slowing accepting this change. Planning our life... You see, the Army is gone but  life goes on. Bills must be paid, life continues. It doesn't stop during our uncertain limbo. Life waits for no one. You would think with the year we've had we would be used to dramatic change... In many ways we are. We plan and roll with the punches. We figure out what to do next. We won't lay down and be trampled by change. We stand, together. ready. 

Life is changing, it never stays the same. Even if it's little changes over the course of time. Or in our case, a handful of monumental ones, it's all change. It's not the change that leaves me scared,  but the fear of the unknown... It's looking into the future and not knowing what will happen.

I know with each other, friends and family we will make it. No doubt this will be hard, finding ourselves out in the world and settling into a new normal. I know pieces of the Army will always be there. Ben living with PTSD makes sure of that. The Army has left scars on his heart, that no one can see, but he feels every. single. day. That scares me. You see the Army takes a soldier, a Husband, a Father, whole and deploys him. They bring him back broken... And its the families of these soldiers that are left to deal with the Shell of the man they once knew... 

So I write this heavy hearted. Not defeated, but unsure. I write this with a deep feeling life will be ok, and a deep uncertainty of what it will take to get it there. A chapter has closed... But with all great novels, we still have many more to go. 

Unless there is a zombie Apocalypse, then we're screwed. 

Tiny bit of normal.

Today actually felt slightly normal. Maybe it was the absence of Physical/Occupational Therapy, or maybe its because we didn't see a doctor today. No exams, no pokes, no test. Just our family trying to find its way back to our old normal existence... 

For those of you who might not know, two weeks ago our world was changed, for good? God, I hope not. But for now, things are different. Mackenzie Lynn, my 2.5 year old twin fell out of a second floor family room window onto cement. I was at the ER because of a fall I had earlier that morning. The looks of the nurses and doctors when they came in the room still haunt me, they looked terrified.

 I can still remember the exact words 

"Mrs. Hardin, We have Tacoma/Peirce Fire department on the phone, your daughter Alexis(at that point they hadn't gotten to Mary Bridge and stripped her... Alexis has a birthmark) fell from a second story window, onto concrete." 

My reaction? Screaming no, shooting up in the bed and vomiting. Hysterics followed. 

A week at Mary Bridge was the hardest thing I have personally every encountered. Holding my child down for pokes, test, IVs, Taking her in for Xrays, MRIs and CATscans. Try to explain to her, that the nurses and Doctors didn't mean to hurt her.... Listening to her scream in pain. Watching my beautiful baby and not being able to hold her, hug her, or kiss her the way she was used too. Typing all this out right now, makes me tear up. Its hard to describe what happened without tearing up. But after 6 days, we finally got to come home. 

I think, actually I know, I wasn't prepared to bring her home. When they released us, she was unable to walk on her own without assistance. so imagine, holding up your child to walk, never letting your hands off of them. She couldn't be left alone on the floor or alone period. She still has to be watched constantly. The smallest bump on her head can cause terrible damage.... She was an infant, who could talk and argue with you. It was a challenge, but on top of her physical issues, she has many psychological ones too due to the damage in her brain. 

Mackenzie, has a TBI. Traumatic Brain Injury.  

Here is some very HELPFUL information to describe, what she is dealing with:

*The signs of brain injury can be very different depending on where the brain is injured and how severely. Children with TBI may have one or more difficulties, including:

Physical disabilities: Individuals with TBI may have problems speaking, seeing, hearing, and using their other senses. They may have headaches and feel tired a lot. They may also have trouble with skills such as writing or drawing. Their muscles may suddenly contract or tighten (this is called spasticity). They may also have seizures. Their balance and walking may also be affected. They may be partly or completely paralyzed on one side of the body, or both sides.

Difficulties with thinking: Because the brain has been injured, it is common that the person’s ability to use the brain changes. For example, children with TBI may have trouble with short-term memory (being able to remember something from one minute to the next, like what the teacher just said). They may also have trouble with their long-term memory (being able to remember information from a while ago, like facts learned last month). People with TBI may have trouble concentrating and only be able to focus their attention for a short time. They may think slowly. They may have trouble talking and listening to others. They may also have difficulty with reading and writing, planning, understanding the order in which events happen (called sequencing), and judgment.

Social, behavioral, or emotional problems: These difficulties may include sudden changes in mood, anxiety, and depression. Children with TBI may have trouble relating to others. They may be restless and may laugh or cry a lot. They may not have much motivation or much control over their emotions

** sometimes it takes much longer for the effects of trauma to be seen in a child since children's brains  are still developing. Preschoolers with injuries to their frontal lobes often look fine within a few weeks or months. However, as they get older and their brains mature, that part of the brain previously damaged may not work as well as it should. Thus, when a child's brain is injured it can have long-term devastating effects on the child and his/her family.  Too often children who sustain a brain injury early in life may look "well" at that moment in time, but as the child gets older more serious cognitive and behavioral problems emerge. 

Mackenzie looks NORMAL (minus the walker...) but she is dealing with some extreme issues. Right now, her brain damage is causing her a lot of difficulties with speaking, emotional issues, she gets very upset, very quickly and cant express why and NO comfort helps. She has a hard time remembering, and recalling shapes, colors, and numbers. Its also causing neurological problems with her left leg and foot. Next to Alexis, its very easy to see, she is very different and this breaks my heart. 

I keep trying to tell myself (with the help and support of amazing people in my life) she still has a lot of healing to do. She can still bounce back, she can still be my "Mackenzie". I know she is stubborn and headstrong, she has a desperate need to be independent and ALL of those things can only HELP her right now. I believe in my daughter, but I believe we have a LONG road ahead. I worry about her every day, I worry about my family every day, whether we are strong enough to deal with everything. I constantly worry. But, today for a few hours, I didn't worry. We just lived.

Tonight, As I heard Ben tuck the girls into bed I heard her tell her Daddy "I wuv you so much" and Alexis begging for another kiss... My heart felt a little less heavy with worry. We lovingly call her "Broken"... and I know, with every inch of my being, I'd rather have her broken, then not at all. 

 * http://nichcy.org/disability/specific/tbi

**http://www.tbi.org/library/html/children_and_adolescents.html

The Lost Art

I entered the commissary. As I always do, I started out in the produce section. Looking for deals for my family and checking to see if they had any deals for canning... 

From across the store, I can see them.... 

FRESH GREEN BEANS! 

At $1.29lbs it wasn't a bad deal.. 

I look for the large bags they normally have for this type of produce. 

There are none, so I begin to stuff my beans into the smaller bags. 

I stuffed my bags happily, knowing that these where going to taste amazing canned. 

Happily I filled bag after bag.

Some of the ladies, came up and glanced my direction like I was some crazy fool buying that many green beans and at that point I already had 4 stuffed bags in my cart. 

One old man, curiously asked me "what you plan to do with all them Beans?"

I happily answered I intended to can them... 

He got a little smile across his face and went on to describe how his wife used to can every summer and in detail described all the things she would can... 

He wished me luck, grabbed some beans for himself and left. 

I sat there thinking about what we had just talked about, and its weighed heavily on my mind since then.... Has canning really become a thing of the past? A lost art?

I will honestly admit, Yes, I feel a little "Little house on the Prairie" 

as I was affectionately called by my best friend.. 

I always have mental flash backs to the ladies of yesteryear, canning everything to insure produce would be there in the winter. Before a time of peaches from Brazil and Apples from god-knows where. These ladies grew, harvested and canned all of the fruits, veggies, jams & jellies their families would consume. There was no running to the store for a can of green beans, you ran to your pantry, root cellar, basement, ect. 

and pulled out the bounty from that summers harvest.

And now, here I sit a woman with an iPhone, a laptop and the world of technology around me... taking cues from the ladies of my past. I originally decided to can to save money & have a way of controlling quantity (we need more then the average family of 3) and quality of what I'm feeding my family but it is quickly developing into a passion. The first time you can its difficult, but the end result is there you can see what all of your hard work is put towards... Its a proud moment.

 Now, much of my canning is having to buy local produce, or at least USA grown produce... I dont DONT DONT buy anything not grown here. I try HARD for locally grown veggies and fruits. This has stemmed a new idea and plan for next year

So the cost of my canning will be even less.

I'm Planning to grow a garden. 

Even though, I'm buying my produce this time, the out of pocket expense will be MUCH lower than buying frozen, canned produce this winter. As much as I would like to buy fresh each time, our pocket book does not allow for that. The out of pocket expense for a first time canner will be higher the first year. You have to buy  jars, canners, lids and rings. Funnels and other essentials too... I was lucky and received my first canner as a gift.  

And the upfront cost of fruit and veggies are sometimes overwhelming. 

I always try to add my monthly spending I would normally spend on each item and compare it to the fresh in season one I'm thinking of canning.

 So my thought process kinda looks like this: 

Monthly cost of Canned and frozen store bought green beans for a family of 6 : $6-8 a month on generic/sale items. x12 months= $72-96 a year spent on canned green beans!!

Now..... Home canned fresh bought green beans: 17lbs(bought little more than I thought!) x$1.29 a pound= $21.93 + Canning Salt $5 = $26.93

That's a BIG Savings!!!!!

 Not to mention... the nutritional value. I control the syrup, salt and what goes in my cans and on my produce. I choose the quality of the fruits and veggies I decide to can. When a store bought item is canned then sold it looses a lot of nutrients. My home canned delicious produce doesn't loose half of said nutrients.

 And they taste like REAL green beans and not a nasty squishy green mess from a can. 

Do you know that in a sitting my family can almost eat 3 cans of store bought green beans?! But.... If I home can, well I control the size of jar to make! So for things we eat a lot of I'm doing quart jars or things that we don't eat as much of I can do pints. And if we should have left overs, put the lid back on the jar and put them in the fridge. 

The truth is, Canning is time consuming... Its definitely not easy, but its SO WORTH it. I start all of my canning at 8pm, after I lay down my daughters. Any prep work I can do while they are up IE: shucking peas, pitting cherries, snapping beans, I do prior to 8pm. I still manage 6-12 quarts prep, pack, pressure canning and clean up by midnight. If I was starting this in the middle of the day and devoting the WHOLE day to it, imagine what I could get done??

But I'm still left asking myself... why aren't more people canning???? Is it because people today are so wrapped up in a fast food mentality? Getting something as fast as possible with little or no effort...
Or do Canners have a super secret society I dont know about??
... I think its a mixture of the two! ..haha
When did Canning become a less common?
 I keep asking myself all of these questions.
 Sadly, it is a dying art, very few people I personally know still do it. It used to be passed from generation to generation. Grandmothers teaching mothers, Mothers teaching daughters. Now it seems lost in the history of the past. 
 Its feel like this once normal way of life... is gone.  
Knowing that I hope to pass on the  passion and knowledge to my daughters... 
Maybe in the world of flying cars, we will still have some ol'fashioned Canners.
I sure hope so. 

Chronicles of Deployment Week 4. Day 3.

As I write this, my eyes are swollen from tears, tonight has been emotional for me.

 Not that today was exceptionally hard or anything, just tonight is the type of night I miss his hugs, his touch, the way he would make me laugh.
Not looking forward to the week ahead, I wish he was here to put me at ease.

He has a way of making the loneliness go away, its something only he can fill....

Chronicles of Deployment
Deployment 3. Week 4. Day 3.

When you're a military wife.

You're never first.

The Army, Air Force, Navy, ect become a mistress who always demands being first. They can take away birthdays, anniversaries, births and so much more. You become accustom to sharing the love of your life with a mistress  that doesn't care about your wants  or desires. They don't care that your child is sick or if a very special occasion is about to happen, Their needs are always first, and you take a backseat. 

You become part of this exclusive club of strong independent woman who have learned to juggle the responsibilities being a mother, and a military wife. You run a household, you pay the bills, you teach your son to tie his shoes, attend school programs alone. All because the evil mistress has other demands, and they must be met. 

Some of you were wives before the military ever existed in your life, you knew your husband pre-bootcamp, pre-uniform. You didn't choose a military man, the military came later...you both learned to maneuver this life together, each learning as you went along. 

 For others, like myself you fell in love with a soldier,  attracted to this handsome man, the uniform a bonus. You are introduced to this world long before you become his wife, you learn about the life of a military man.  And choose to set aside his job, for it is the man you love and marry into a new world. 

No matter what way you became a military wife, you're now one. You're expected to conduct your self like an old pro in a very new, raw world. If you're like me, you stumble a bit but gain your feet quickly, and understand the pride that comes with the job you now have also signed up for.His name is the one enlistment papers but you will also suffer, your children will understand the sacrifice of having a parent who serves their country. 

When or if deployment comes knocking, whether you're prepared or not, his date will come and he will leave.  Overnight you are alone. Holding steady the everyday lives of yourself and your children. You follow your daily routines, the bills will still be paid, you will continue to live a life as close to normal as you can manage. The civilian world around you can only pretend to understand... Daily you will wait on a phone call, letter, skype,  email anything.  You force a smile on your face for your children, but some days you will want to cry, scream and just hide. We have all had those days. Days when your kids who feel their own stress of deployment will act out, making your day miserable.
 But something keeps us strong, our faith , our pride and love for our husbands. 

Each deployment you go through, you learn something about yourself and your inner strength. You stand prideful knowing you can run your home when the mistress calls your love away. You have a pride in your husband who chooses to do this job,
the job of serving a nation. He is your families hero.
 And that pride and love for him, keeps you going just as it had before.
 Each time building your love, and strength of your relationship. 

It takes a special woman to be a military wife, it takes a special relationship to stand the test of the military. Take pride in knowing you are one of the few, I know I do.

 I can imagine a life without the military,

but I could never imagine a life without my soldier. 

Chronicles of Deployment. Week 3. Deployment 3.

For those of you who are non military and who read this blog, the understanding of the evil world deployments, probably doesn't hit home like it does to my fellow Military families. I would like to describe, in detail and share with you the next year of my life...

The Chronicles of Deployment.

Today marks Week 3. Deployment #3.

I find myself crying a little more... I'm stressing. The days he doesn't call, I worry. I think with so much of my life in the unknown category, not knowing he is ok, freaks me out. Facing everything alone right now, makes me upset, stressed and angry. Its hard, its very hard. Battling the day-to-day battles. Added to the new stress of housing buying and so much more. I'm angry, I'm the one stuck dealing with it all. I know I signed up for the job, I understood and knew what I would be dealing with as a Military wife, especially that of an infantryman. Despite it all, I still find myself beyond bitter at the situation right now. I'm proud of my Husband, that will never change. Right now, my heart aches a little for him, each day he misses something new. ... Only so many pictures can fill the blanks of the year of milestones he will miss. I thought I keeping thinking back to the start of Kindergarten, when Ben wasn't allowed off work to take our Son to his first day of school, and now with the start of 1st grade, just around the corner, the Army has taken that too....

My babies make me proud of their father and break my heart all in the same moment. I cherish looking at some of the best features of my husband, how he shines in each of them... But Imagine, everyday being asked where Daddy is, how much longer till Daddy is home. Waking up to your child screaming for their father who is 1000s of miles away... the good days, and the bad you're the only one who is hear to deal with them. Your parenting team is broken and for a year your a single mother...

Driving to the airport, the other week I drove past another vehicle and on the back window, there was a blue star banner. Just seeing that, I felt myself slightly connected to this unknown driver in another car. They too understood the pain, worry and stress tied to the pride of flying a blue star banner...

I think when you have the military in your life, whether you're a Military Spouse, Parent or any other relation... with the military apart of your life, your pride grows a little more. I felt sad, I knew that meant a large piece of their heart and family was missing. And they too, are counting the days till their heart can be full again.

What breaks my heart more, are the Gold Star banners...

(I'm actually getting goose bumps as I type these words out to you now.)

The owner of a Gold Star Banner, to me, will be one of the STRONGEST

people you will ever meet.

They display, with pride the memory of a Soldier who has paid the ultimate price.

 If you see one, stop, if only for a moment. Behind that gold star on that piece of fabric, is a story. Someones husband, wife, son, daughter, mother, father has given their life...

They paid the price for our freedom.

A Message

I have a message to today's young women... 

Life is not a race, slow down and enjoy your childhood. 

It's upsetting to see young girls, in such a rush to grow up. 

When I was 10, we still played Barbies and dress up... 

The only make up we wore was during an afternoon of pretend and fun. 

We were little girls with big hopes and dreams.

Today's young ladies have lost sight of their youth. 
... In a rush to be an adult... 
Let me tell you my dear girls,  being an adult is not fun or glamorous. 

Its a hard slap of reality straight to the face, 

to go back and be carefree just one more time...

Facebook has become a stage to out due each other. 

Who can look older, more provocative.

13year olds don't need hair extensions, fake nails or full face make up... 

And please don't get me started on the piercing trend sweeping the preteen nation. 

13 year olds need to write in diaries and sneak lip gloss to school.

 As a mother to 3 beautiful daughters, today's "normal" young ladies scare me...
Since when is cleavage shots and push up bras the norm?! Since when was dress up and pretend replaced by Facebook and  photoshop?

So I say this:

To all the young beautiful ladies who might be reading this: 

You are loved, for the innocent, beautiful young woman you are. 

Slow down and enjoy what is left of your childhood. 

Facebook, makeup and Victoria Secret can wait ... 

Enjoy being a girl, adulthood will be here soon enough, you will be wishing for a chance to have a taste of your childhood back...Now is the time to make mistakes and be silly. Slumber parties and carefree summers. Soon I promise, as blossom from a girl, to a woman there will be lots of chances to wear makeup, 

but now don't hide your beauty away under layers of cover-up, mascara and eye liner... 

To be beautiful does not mean, to have your make up and hair done. Beauty comes from the inside and you are beautiful 

To all of my fellow mothers: Together, we can stop this epidemic. 

To the ones allowing this behavior: 
stop being a friend and be a Mom... 

Say no, one day she will thank you for it! 

Together, we  can remind our girls life will wait, and they will have the chance to experiment with makeup, hairstyles and fake nails 
but at tender age of 10, this is not the time. 

Their beauty should not be covered by the layers of make up 
or shown off by provocative clothing... 
Their beauty should be protected by us, their innocence guarded. 

Now is the time to teach them beauty is not measured by makeup and clothing, 

but by the way a woman holds herself. 

Pride and confidence far outweighs hair extensions and fake nails. 

To my daughters: I  will preserve your youth, I will guard your modesty, 

I will teach you make up, push up bras, 
and low cut shirts will not make you older or wiser.  

I will protect your childhood, from being stolen... 

I will teach you to be strong in your convictions.

Be strong and follow not what's "cool" but what's in your heart.... 

I will allow you to be silly and make mistakes, now is the time for learning and will be there to pick you up, should you stumble and fall

Life is hard enough when you turn 18, and all these young girls in such a hurry to get there, They don't see they have past up the best, carefree years of their youth. 

The world is a scary place, with judgments from every direction... 

I wish I could wrap my arms around each one of these girls,  

and tell them they are beautiful, smart and amazing... 

To remind them now is the time to make mistakes, now is the time to be playful, now is the time to be a young girl... 

Life is short, but childhood is even shorter... 

And it needs to be cherished.... 

Ps: This is not the original post. 

I save all writing but at time of posting add in some new ideas. 

So this one may look different from first post.