Tiny bit of normal.

Today actually felt slightly normal. Maybe it was the absence of Physical/Occupational Therapy, or maybe its because we didn't see a doctor today. No exams, no pokes, no test. Just our family trying to find its way back to our old normal existence... 

For those of you who might not know, two weeks ago our world was changed, for good? God, I hope not. But for now, things are different. Mackenzie Lynn, my 2.5 year old twin fell out of a second floor family room window onto cement. I was at the ER because of a fall I had earlier that morning. The looks of the nurses and doctors when they came in the room still haunt me, they looked terrified.

 I can still remember the exact words 

"Mrs. Hardin, We have Tacoma/Peirce Fire department on the phone, your daughter Alexis(at that point they hadn't gotten to Mary Bridge and stripped her... Alexis has a birthmark) fell from a second story window, onto concrete." 

My reaction? Screaming no, shooting up in the bed and vomiting. Hysterics followed. 

A week at Mary Bridge was the hardest thing I have personally every encountered. Holding my child down for pokes, test, IVs, Taking her in for Xrays, MRIs and CATscans. Try to explain to her, that the nurses and Doctors didn't mean to hurt her.... Listening to her scream in pain. Watching my beautiful baby and not being able to hold her, hug her, or kiss her the way she was used too. Typing all this out right now, makes me tear up. Its hard to describe what happened without tearing up. But after 6 days, we finally got to come home. 

I think, actually I know, I wasn't prepared to bring her home. When they released us, she was unable to walk on her own without assistance. so imagine, holding up your child to walk, never letting your hands off of them. She couldn't be left alone on the floor or alone period. She still has to be watched constantly. The smallest bump on her head can cause terrible damage.... She was an infant, who could talk and argue with you. It was a challenge, but on top of her physical issues, she has many psychological ones too due to the damage in her brain. 

Mackenzie, has a TBI. Traumatic Brain Injury.  

Here is some very HELPFUL information to describe, what she is dealing with:

*The signs of brain injury can be very different depending on where the brain is injured and how severely. Children with TBI may have one or more difficulties, including:

Physical disabilities: Individuals with TBI may have problems speaking, seeing, hearing, and using their other senses. They may have headaches and feel tired a lot. They may also have trouble with skills such as writing or drawing. Their muscles may suddenly contract or tighten (this is called spasticity). They may also have seizures. Their balance and walking may also be affected. They may be partly or completely paralyzed on one side of the body, or both sides.

Difficulties with thinking: Because the brain has been injured, it is common that the person’s ability to use the brain changes. For example, children with TBI may have trouble with short-term memory (being able to remember something from one minute to the next, like what the teacher just said). They may also have trouble with their long-term memory (being able to remember information from a while ago, like facts learned last month). People with TBI may have trouble concentrating and only be able to focus their attention for a short time. They may think slowly. They may have trouble talking and listening to others. They may also have difficulty with reading and writing, planning, understanding the order in which events happen (called sequencing), and judgment.

Social, behavioral, or emotional problems: These difficulties may include sudden changes in mood, anxiety, and depression. Children with TBI may have trouble relating to others. They may be restless and may laugh or cry a lot. They may not have much motivation or much control over their emotions

** sometimes it takes much longer for the effects of trauma to be seen in a child since children's brains  are still developing. Preschoolers with injuries to their frontal lobes often look fine within a few weeks or months. However, as they get older and their brains mature, that part of the brain previously damaged may not work as well as it should. Thus, when a child's brain is injured it can have long-term devastating effects on the child and his/her family.  Too often children who sustain a brain injury early in life may look "well" at that moment in time, but as the child gets older more serious cognitive and behavioral problems emerge. 

Mackenzie looks NORMAL (minus the walker...) but she is dealing with some extreme issues. Right now, her brain damage is causing her a lot of difficulties with speaking, emotional issues, she gets very upset, very quickly and cant express why and NO comfort helps. She has a hard time remembering, and recalling shapes, colors, and numbers. Its also causing neurological problems with her left leg and foot. Next to Alexis, its very easy to see, she is very different and this breaks my heart. 

I keep trying to tell myself (with the help and support of amazing people in my life) she still has a lot of healing to do. She can still bounce back, she can still be my "Mackenzie". I know she is stubborn and headstrong, she has a desperate need to be independent and ALL of those things can only HELP her right now. I believe in my daughter, but I believe we have a LONG road ahead. I worry about her every day, I worry about my family every day, whether we are strong enough to deal with everything. I constantly worry. But, today for a few hours, I didn't worry. We just lived.

Tonight, As I heard Ben tuck the girls into bed I heard her tell her Daddy "I wuv you so much" and Alexis begging for another kiss... My heart felt a little less heavy with worry. We lovingly call her "Broken"... and I know, with every inch of my being, I'd rather have her broken, then not at all. 

 * http://nichcy.org/disability/specific/tbi

**http://www.tbi.org/library/html/children_and_adolescents.html