"Life's about changing Nothing ever stays the same....
Come let me hold you and I will try, how can I help you to say goodbye"
A chapter has closed.
And as I form these words I try to let go of an identity that has filled my life for 5 years. I try to look at the world ahead but I'm staring into the shadows, and I can't see anything.
Friends, our time in the Army has ended. The draw down has claimed another family, another soldier. As the time comes to an end, It's bittersweet. Ben searches for meaning... After dedicating himself to 7 years, 2 campaigns and 3 deployments, it's hard to see yourself as anything but a soldier. As he hangs up his boots, and sets off into the civilian world, everything you've grown accustom too, is gone. Job searching and stress fills the space that the security of the Army once occupied. Adding with it the dark and uncertain life of living with PTSD.
It's hard not seeing yourself as an 'Army wife' it's a proud identity, in it special bonds of sisterhood are formed. Army life brought me my best friend and so many others...Now, I'm the outsider. I know the terminology, I know the pain of deployment but I am no longer an Army wife. I'm just someone who used to know what it was like. Now, I set off to form an identity of my own... Seperate from that of Wife and Mother.
We are slowing accepting this change. Planning our life... You see, the Army is gone but life goes on. Bills must be paid, life continues. It doesn't stop during our uncertain limbo. Life waits for no one. You would think with the year we've had we would be used to dramatic change... In many ways we are. We plan and roll with the punches. We figure out what to do next. We won't lay down and be trampled by change. We stand, together. ready.
Life is changing, it never stays the same. Even if it's little changes over the course of time. Or in our case, a handful of monumental ones, it's all change. It's not the change that leaves me scared, but the fear of the unknown... It's looking into the future and not knowing what will happen.
I know with each other, friends and family we will make it. No doubt this will be hard, finding ourselves out in the world and settling into a new normal. I know pieces of the Army will always be there. Ben living with PTSD makes sure of that. The Army has left scars on his heart, that no one can see, but he feels every. single. day. That scares me. You see the Army takes a soldier, a Husband, a Father, whole and deploys him. They bring him back broken... And its the families of these soldiers that are left to deal with the Shell of the man they once knew...
So I write this heavy hearted. Not defeated, but unsure. I write this with a deep feeling life will be ok, and a deep uncertainty of what it will take to get it there. A chapter has closed... But with all great novels, we still have many more to go.
Unless there is a zombie Apocalypse, then we're screwed.
Ahh you now have me crying sitting at a table in jimmy johns :/ I may not truly feel your pain but I feel like I feel it and the fear of going through it ... The uncertain roads ahead the hard nights harder than the days ... God doesn't send you down a hard path without providing you with strong shoes ... You have gained an identity in this, one if a resilient, strong, independently family focused and a resourceful support all at the same time ... The time YOU SERVED yes I said it YOU SERVED ... Has trained you for the harshest of realities and that IS that life is always changing, we always need to think in our feet, and when Ben's not there (Ben if it means he's dealing with something) you CAN conquer it ... So as hard as it is to say "don't be skird" and "it will all be ok" I know I can say that to you with confidence, because, you are ok, you have done it, you have always been ok an each knock has only shown me how much stronger you can be ... I've said it before and ill say it again, I would never be thankful for the pain and stress you've had to endure but as a friend I am so thankful that seeing you go through it has prepared you for each battle more than the last ... You're my super mom inspiration ... Especially on your weakest days... I love you!
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