Still Here.

Its been nearly a year since my last post and a year since the previous one to that... Trend? Whooops. Adding Hardin #5 My Dear Emma Grace left me with little time to sit and reflect. To ponder and deliver my  well semi thought out messages to the masses. Caught up in my struggle to raise a child with a traumatic brain injury, caught up in anything and everything but my beloved blog. It has been a year of struggles.... So where to begin? How about the beginning of the end?

The Army is was security. Leaving seemed to be the biggest hit in our year of emotional blows to our family. It seemed as if God was testing us, our faithfulness in his plan and our willingness to let go. It wasn't easy. Stepping out in faith, seldom is. Yet, despite it all we took the plunge. Living each day, keeping life as "normal" despite the fact Ben was unemployed, no one was hiring and we were unsure of our future. It was in this 6 months of uncertainty that I saw something I had been missing... My Husband. Without the Army, without the stress I got a glimpse of the love of my life. He smiled more, was angry less. After two years of PTSD hell... THIS WAS A WELCOMED CHANGE!!! Life continued down its blind path and we held steadfast in the ride. With new beginnings on the horizon, it seemed everything was falling into place; almost all at once. We were thankful. New career, new path.... we were ready.

And then things changed.

Ben had started a new job, we had accepted a change of region in Washington. With open hearts we put our home on the market and set forth on a "new adventure" 12 weeks in, a pending closing date fast approaching and stress effecting every inch of our marriage... We got a phone call.  Ben was offered a position in my home town. It was a federal job, great pay. What to do? We had no home, we had to move in 2 weeks.... Stressful doesn't begin to describe the feelings that plagued us.

Then EVERYTHING changed.

So, left without many options we bought a 30ft travel trailer(Glamping on wheels tab coming..). I got to work making it like home... super cute/shabby/vintage home on wheels. We got to work packing and figuring out a plan. With the support of my parents we would be placing our 30ft travel trailer in their driveway, on their mini farm. No cell reception, miles from the store and room for the babies to run. It seemed we had a plan... And again, we stepped out in faith. Knowing life would work itself out, but uncertain how....The stress was constant. Change seemed never ending.


Stress and Change, change and Stress. the two live hand in hand. STRESS. Stress robs me of my husband, my children of a father, my husband from himself. The slightest amount makes my kind and loving husband snap into a mean, angry man. Things he used to laugh off, leave him fuming in anger. I stand steadfast... waiting, for something to give. Life, marriage, anything. When we found our rental, I had hoped a few weeks of transition we could find our "happy place" again. CHANGE. Change robs me of my daughter. Anything that changes suddenly to her, and she mentally and emotionally doesn't function. She screams, acts out and becomes this child that I can't reach on an emotional level. She stops sleeping, she stops listening. She stops being my Mackenzie. So As you can imagine, the last month was FULL of stress and change. So, as you can imagine... My life was hell. I see life slowly setting down. Enough so, I  can actually type these words to you. Working toward stability, for the sake of Mackenzie and the rest of kids. Praying that with less stress we will see OUR Ben come back to us. Hoping in the days, weeks and months to come,  we can find our way back to that family. Back to the Silliness and playfulness.

In what could have been our darkest hour, we have continued to shine. In what could have been a year to break us, we continue to pick ourselves up and with the grace of God... Continuing down this uncertain path, little broken, little bruised, little battered but we are still going. Honestly, there have been days dealing with Mackenzie I have wanted to give up. I have wanted to walk away from my Husband. But... here I stand. I'm weary. I'm emotional... But I'm here.