I am a LOOSER... Seriously.

They Say to truly know a person, you have to know where they have been.

Searching into my past, in preparation for writing this blog, I got a true eye opener to how far I have come, and just where I have been.

So Friends, this is a look at were I have been....

300+pounds.

Unhappy and Depressed.

In a failing marriage.

LOST.

This is ME...

And they say Black is slimming!

LIARS!

This is me, I weigh 297lbs. At this point, I still gained MORE weight, But this was the last time I weighed myself. A size 22/24(And that was getting tight, very tight)

To those who knew me then: I only claimed to weigh 260-ish. Yes, I was lying.

HOW and WHY did I allow myself to turn into this?!

 I was battling Postpartum depression very badly, eating to feel better.  I had lost myself to food, it was my comfort and my enemy. On top of it all, I had lost myself to my spouse. I became more like his "ideal" woman, and less like myself and used food to try to make up for feeling alone.

But most of all....

Life Happened, and I lost control.

I was not happy and well, this picture shows that!

I don't know what my "Ah Ha" moment was, but I had one.

I was going to win the battle for myself.

I WOULD be happy again, ME again.

Fast forward a year... Not much had changed.

I lost about 30-40 pounds but was still struggling.

The biggest struggle was my marriage.

Love to another can not exists unless you have love for yourself.

Growing up and apart, was no ones fault.

But we had gained something in our years together, a blessing, a son.

We knew that ending our marriage, we would no longer be husband and wife,

but together we would ALWAYS be Mommy and Daddy.

Their are nasty details as there are, when most marriages fall apart. 

Through time and life, we have healed our relationship as Jonathon's Mommy and Daddy. Putting the child we made first, seeing happiness in our lives apart and NOT focusing on the issues when we had been together.

It was in my new found freedom, to search for myself,

I began to really TRY.

I vowed I would be ME: sexy, beautiful, quirky me, again.

I got serious on loosing weight and watching my eating habits.

Walking, walking,  walking... and walking some more.

I started out, around the block, and that progressed to 3 miles, then 5 miles. I walked. I walked to clear my head, I walked to loose weight, I walked right into a new life.

I began to value myself again.

I began having confidence in my quickly changing body.

I cut back on food and found new ways to reward and comfort myself.

As I changed, Life changed with me.

Me at 245lbs

With my Marriage over and my life on track.

I was still tipping the scale at around 245-250lbs.  

With a goal set for myself, and the determination to reach it

I was more focused than ever!

Doing new things, I found the inner me.

Not being afraid to step out of shadows and be in my own light.

Taking risks and speaking my mind!

 Couple of tattoos, piercings and some crazy antics later...

In my search for myself

I found Love.

He loved me for ME.

I loved me for ME.

and my Journey continued.

I lost more weight as my confidence grew.

I started a new life, it was fun and exciting.

New job, new town, new body, new love.

I was ready to face anything life had to throw at me...

Anything but TWINS.

It was upon getting pregnant with my twins, that things really changed.

Like I have discussed in previous posts,

it was during this pregnancy issues with my Thyroid happened.

The week after I had my daughters, I was 45 lbs lighter than the day I conceived them. 

... With Lilly after I had her I was 20lbs lighter then when I conceived her.

4 weeks post twins.

So, YOU might be asking why I'm choosing to talk about my past in this extremely long blog.

There are a few reasons.

But it is THIS struggle, that makes me scared to have another baby.

I got off easy, I know that.

Having a baby now, could make me relive my past.

and I am selfishly afraid to loose that battle again. 

I don't NEED another baby, I WANT one.

But at what cost?

I'm at a point now, that I'm finally feeling proud of my body, and the way it looks.

Even with the couple of extra pounds I have put on since surgery.

This is a major internal struggle, the more I think about it, the more unsure I am.

But mostly, I wanted to give you a glimpse at what I have accomplished
( yes, I had a little help, but 65(ish)lbs was all me baby.. and keeping the weight off now)

Its a deeply personal look at the the the road I have traveled.

But for those of you who didn't know me then,

I wanted you to see me, all of me, past included.

Weight is a big feat for me, it will always be a struggle, more so now.

You now know my past, have a personal look down the roads I have traveled.

You've seen where I have been...

Now, Join me on my future?

What ever THAT may bring.

Hardin number 5... possibly.